It has come to my attention that the Greys of Zeta Reticuli have built large underground bunkers in and around Topeka, Kansas. After years of simple observation, they are on the move and their plan is now in action. Using a spongy, gelatinous mass that they attach to the necks of what are known as "club racing officials," their diabolical plot to destroy road racing in the United States is close to coming to fruition. It is up to us to stop them. I have a pitchfork. Anyone have a lantern? Today, we declare our independence day!

Plus, I'm insured.