Question for the married drivers.....

[Jiveslug]

Well, that time is finally upon me. I have found the perfect girl and am getting married in May. I have to admit that the whole marriage, family thing is pretty sweet. Im loving every minute leading up to our wedding. However, a thought has occured to me in recent weeks. How in the hell am I gonna convince my new wife to allow me the funds to race? Granted, this is definately not a deal breaker in regards to marrying her (now that would be just stupid), but my other life-long dream (the one aside from marrying the perfect girl) has been to race. Thus, Im curious to ask those of you out there who are married/life partnered/whatever how you get the spouse to give the money aspect of racing the green light?

Jive

[Diane]

Hi Jive, you've been quiet lately!

Since Tim & I met racing, our issue is more of whose car gets the money.

But the first question for you is: how long have you known her and surely she knows you are working on a car now? So that part shouldn't be a surprise. What does she like to do? Make sure if she has a hobby or anything that she enjoys, she doesn't have to put her enjoyment aside for your car.

I know the guys here will have a lot of interesting suggestions for you. There was a similar thread not long ago. Have fun and congrats!



Diane
ps - even as a racer I have a hard time spending money on my own car at times. They say that happens when you get older and more responsible???


[This message has been edited by Diane (edited November 11, 2003).]

[whenry]

Does she know about this dream? And are you expecting her to make sacrifices for your hobby? My wife sent me to my first driving school(Skippy) but eventually told me that she did not want my racing affecting her standard of living. So several of my "toys" were liquidated including the street Porsche and hunting guns to buy race car, tow vehicle, etc.
The best advice I got from another(divorced)racer was to keep the wife happy at all costs ie stay in good places; eat at good places and let her spend $$ in retaliation. I have been racing for 15 yrs now and am still married. You will just have to find places to cut corners in your personal budget ie lunches, drinking, whatever.

[jc836]

Been there and can safely say that you need to have the funds in your own name. This assumes that there are 2 incomes and yours is primary for the overall cost of living as a couple. Her income can be factored in if you want, but make sure that both of you understand what all of this means-BEFORE starting on a racing project.
I promised my first wife, before our son was born that I would quit and I did for 30 years. I was truly concerned about being here for him and her. When we went our separate ways, I retained custody and only after he had left home did I resume my interest in the sport as an active part of my life.
I am now "life parrtnered" with a wonderful lady. She is my crew chief and helps with much of the economic side of the sport-keeps the wallet in check. She has her own income and contributes to the overall care and feeding of the relationship. See where I am here. We share expenses, with much of the house and all of the race car falling on me.

I hope this gives you a little insight into at least one of us who spends time on track enjoying our sport. Be very sure your special/perfect lady knows what this is really all about. Having her involved in every aspect can be good for the relationship-example locally was a couple who both raced identical cars prepared by the wife many years ago. In case she has an arguement on the subject-it will relate to the infamous "boats are holes into which you pour unrecoverable amounts of money."

Again congrat's and good luck with the endeavor.

[Jiveslug]

Hey again. I should have mentioned in the first post that she does indeed know that I have a passion for racing and that it is my dream. I just want to make sure, was mentioned by whenry, that I keep her happy. I totally understand that she is my partner though life, whereas racing is my hobby. I even got her to commit to being "grease-monkey girl." lol. However, Im sure there will be many discussions about money spent on racing vs. something else (house additions, etc) and I wanted to see how you all handle that. I already sold my Dodge Stealth Twin Turbo, so you know Im dedicated to this whole marriage thing. lol. She felt really bad about that too... I think she does understand my racing addiction. Anyway, like I was saying, just wondering how you deal with the disagreements that pop up. Thanks for the responses!

Jive

P.S. Diane, I have been quiet because Ive been so busy with wedding stuff, working, etc. Its a lot of work to get married, but it seems well worth it!

[Knestis]

Having gone through this process over the last year, I can tell you firsthand...

1. Be honest - this is what will make you happy. You do NOT need to say it but, if she really cares, she'll want you to be happy.

2. Be honest some more - don't sugarcoat the cots and do NOT sneak anything in terms of $. I know lots of guys who figure that if they just kept their wives in the dark on how much it was actually costing, they'd be OK. WRONG. The settlements made racing look cheap. Make a budget and stick to it and remember that time is valuable, too: If you are gone every weekend she'll want a new hubby. Er, hobby.

3. Be honest some MORE - tell her that, if it comes down to a choice between her and racing, you will take her. And mean it. If this is one of those deals that becomes a competition to see who will win out, quit now and don't marry in the first place, 'cause it won't last.

4. Make enough money to afford to do it without it impacting the rest of your life. Of course, that should be a rule for all racers and is pretty much universally ignored...

Congrats!

K

[Speed Raycer]

No matter how much the future wives think they're ready for the car hobby, they never seem to truly prepared. You'll get blindsided one day when you come in all greasy with a feeling of great accomplishment only to be staring down the barrel of a pissed off wife .

Make sure she has her own hobby or something that she likes to do on her own. When you're wrenching on the car you definitely don't want her waiting around for you to get done. BTDT.

Like someone else said, be honest about the money spent and expect to spend the same on anything else.

I'm trying something new this year... for every dollar spent on racing/cars, equal $ goes into a savings account for vacations/etc. This will do two things.. it keeps me in check (basically doubles the cost of my racing) and keeps the wife happy. Sometimes, thats tougher than building the car!

------------------
Scott
It's not what you build...
it's how you build it

[racer14itc]

Here's how we do it.

1. First and foremost, make racing fun for her and make sure she is part of it. Go to a nice restaurant during the race weekend. (The food at the racing "socials" is NOT dinner!). Don't assume she won't understand racing terms and duties. Hand her a stopwatch, tire pyrometer, tire pressure gauge and teach her how to use them! Don't be disappointed if she's not interested in driving or racing herself, that's OK. Just make sure she has fun too!

2. Make your racing $$$ YOUR money and her money hers. In our household, we pool our take-home pay each month and split it evenly. All household bills, expenses, etc., then are shared and each person gets to keep what's leftover. You can spend it, save it, whatever. This way, you can bring home that new kerflooten valve and show it off with pride, not sneak it into the garage when she's not looking and hide it. (Be honest guys, how many of you have done this?).

3. DO NOT EVER RACE ON CREDIT. I have seen TOO many racers driven from the sport racing on the VISA card trying to keep up with the really rich folks. It's a fools game. If you can't write the check for it, don't buy it. If you start going crazy with the plastic, you'll eventually pay the piper in so many ways. It's better to finish mid-pack and be financially solvent than go broke trying to win. Remember we're racing for trophies here, not million dollar purses.

My wife's hobby is show jumping horses, which can also get expensive so we both realize that discretion is the better part of valor!

Congratulations on the wedding, Jive!

Mark Coffin
#14 GP VW Scirocco

P.S. My wife helped me write this.

[This message has been edited by racer14itc (edited November 11, 2003).]

[Fleetcare]

The trick with marriage is to own your own company!

I have a friend who does and his wife has NO IDEA of how much he spends on racing! Realisticaly he spends about $40k a year.. His wife doesnt know about any of it..

It works for them.. But as the old adage goes.. Honesty is the best policy

[Richy Gonzalez]

Just as many others have said, be honest. Also, I personally put our family and house first before the racecar. This makes the wife happy and having a happy wife is so much better to deal with. Also, when she get's to drive a BMW 540i to work, there isn't too much that she can say

...I hope she never gets to read this post!

------------------
Richy Gonzalez
GB Racing - #24 ITA CRX
LAMIN-X Protective Films


[This message has been edited by Richy Gonzalez (edited November 12, 2003).]

[gsbaker]

Originally posted by Fleetcare:
The trick with marriage is to own your own company!...

Or work in the racing industry.

Gregg's wife: "How much did that thing cost?"

Gregg: "Don't worry honey, the company bought it."

------------------
Gregg Baker
Isaac, LLC
[email protected]

[7racing]

Originally posted by gsbaker:
Or work in the racing industry.

Gregg's wife: "How much did that thing cost?"

Gregg: "Don't worry honey, the company bought it."

Heh...Do you need a contractor, Gregg? Just something to show that I work for you?

I started racing before I got married, but I was dating/living with the women I married when I started. She knows how much racing means to me and how much I spend. We have an understanding that the house/bills come first, and if we can't afford the house, I can't afford to race. I don't complain about her spending money on herself (nails, hair, shopping) and I try to save off some money so it doesn't affect the house budget. There are so many little things that need to be done, they all can't possibly be counted.

How many allow the wife/life partner/GF to decorate the house for the holidays (ALL of the holidays)? Just keep saying "I have a racecar in my garage...."

Oh, and when you can afford it, buy a nice enclosed trailer. Mine is a house on wheels. The wife really likes that.

Jeremy

[JIgou]

A lot of good advice here....stuff I'm paying close attention to, as I'm getting married at the end of December.

A couple weeks ago we sat down and discussed our budget for the upcoming year overall - everything from home improvements to a new truck for me to racing to fertilizing the lawn.

We took a realistic guess at how many races will be done and put the numbers together.

She was shocked at the amount spent per weekend, and overall....but, once over that shock, accepted it. We dump all of our money into one account and pay everything out of there.

For the past year and a half, she's been at the track with me every time I'm there. (Well, except maybe 2.) She times me, checks tire pressures, and helps with hospitality. (This would be race crew hospitality - we usually paddock with 5-10 other SMs, so there's some good social stuff that happens, too.) Just added radios to the mix, so she can talk to me. Moral of the story: she's included in the fun.

Although I have good friends that are at the track and help me greatly, I WANT her there with me, helping me.

NOTE: she MAY NOT consider changing a transmission in the rain as "fun."

We've had several of her co-workers, friends and family members come to the track to visit and watch; she has a good time telling them about everything happening.

Aside from that, she has hobbies she enjoys; she loves to golf, so I struggle along whenever time permits. She also enjoys making a home out of our house (decorating, gardening, etc), so I support that as well.

The new BMW she's driving doesn't hurt either. (Is this a theme???)

Jarrod

[PRO7]

Even though this is for karters it still applies:

http://www.ekartingnews.com/news_info.php?n=2020

------------------
Ed Reich
Cal Club - SCCA

[gsbaker]

Originally posted by JIgou:
The new BMW she's driving doesn't hurt either. (Is this a theme???)

Jarrod

Jarrod,

Yes, I believe there is a theme here. BMWs tend to make for happy wives. Not to get too far off topic here, but the conversation went something like this…

Wife: “You did what?!!”
Me: “I traded in the SUV for a station wagon.”
Wife: “Why in the world did you do that? The SUV had every option in the book.”
Me: “The ride was terrible, the mileage was worse and it refused to go around a corner.”
Wife: “But I hate station wagons. Mom had one when we were kids. A big Ford with fake wood on the sides. It was so embarrassing I swore I would never drive one.”
Me: “You’ll like this one.”
Wife: “No way.”
Me: “It’s a BMW.”
Wife, after a long pause: “Really?”

She is a marvelous woman and we get along extremely well, but, as you have probably figured out, there are some elements of our marriage we keep separate. Cars are a good example. She buys hers with her money, I buy mine with my money.

I’m no expert on this subject, but I believe decisions in a marriage regarding racing should be made consistent with how other important decisions are made. Some couples are most comfortable if they mutually agree on every detail and maximize their time together; others leave themselves room in the budget and on the calendar for individual interests.

The wife and I have our vacation time together of course, be we also make time for private trips. For example, my wife loves to travel and her main passion is cooking (that’s fine with me, because I love to eat), but she wouldn’t be caught dead at a race track. I’m talking high-end, gourmet stuff a la the Cordon Blue School in Paris, which she has attended. Now she’s researching cooking schools in the Tuscany region of Italy. If she goes, we will schedule it such that she will be learning the nuances of Northern Italian cuisine while I am at a race track eating a hot dog. Everybody’s happy!

(Then again, isn’t the Ferrari factory in Tuscany? Hmmm.)

As others have mentioned, be very honest with each other and err on the side of caution when putting together the budget and the calendar.

------------------
Gregg Baker
Isaac, LLC
[email protected]

[whenry]

Im not sure how some guys do it but my wife requires that she be able to go to any race that I run. The only exception so far has been a test day. I dont mind since we do most everything together anyway and she has tried real hard to be involved in the racing(she is not real big on bleeding brakes or clutch though since it requires her to sit in the car and she is not comfortable in the seat)including timing, parts running, radios, etc. She is not the most patient person in the world so I do try not to inconvenience her schedule with car work ie the 2 hr Sat project that becomes 5 hrs.
I cannot imagine the separate life scenario that some marriages have.

[Wayne]

It took me awhile to get my UPS lady trained to put the packages of racing parts down in front of my shop, as opposed to right in front of the entry door to the house. Safety issue you know, wouldn't want the wife tripping on any of those packages now would we?

Actually, things are pretty straight forward in our household. One of my other hobbies is competitive pistol shooting. The fact that my wife can shoot circles around me with not only her weapons, but every one of my pistols as well, pretty much keeps me in-line on budget issues...

Wayne

[Scott Nutter]

I find that planning the race weekends well in advance works well. Also like others have said, I have a budget and keep to it, roughly. I just started racing 2 years ago, but we have always camped, so hanging out in a field for the weekend is not a problem, and we always consider the food at the social to be dinner! We did have to upgrade the motorhome this year cause the old one did not have a dinnette or walk around rear bed! It also helps when we spend our aniversary in Barbados instead of watching the Runoffs.

My only advice would be to always remember your interest in racing might not last a lifetime but your mariage should.

From a guy who has just recently past the milestone of being married for more than half his life!

[racer14itc]

I guess what I should have said was the food at the social does not count as a "nice dinner out."



MC

[Festus E. Simkins]

I have to agree with all that has been said. The way we do it is:

1. We TRUST each other unconditionally.

2. We have a family checking account and each month we both put X amount into it to cover living expenses. If we had extra expenses in a given month she tells me to put X extra dollars in the account. She puts a like amount in the account. I have never questioned the extra amount she asks me to put in the joint account. She pays the bills. If I ran extra stuff up on the credit card for my own personnal use she tells me how much and I cover that above and beyond the usual expenses.

3. We each have our own separate checking accounts and spend our own money any way we want too. No questions asked. She wanted a mink coat. She had the money and she bought it. Now that doesn't mean I don't buy her nice things for birthdays, annaverseries, etc., because I do and I don't skemp on the gifts, even if it cuts into the racing budget.

4. Our unwritten rule is she can spend as much on herself as I do on the race car.

5. My wife does not really like to go to the races. She says it makes her nervous. However, we schedule to do things together. Sometimes it something we both like to do, e.g., go the antique auctions, trip to the mountains, etc. Other times it is something only she really wants to do. Go grocery shopping, shopping for cloths, etc. Sometimes the the things she wants us to do together interferes with the racing schedule. Most of the time she wins. It makes her happy to see that I will sacrafice something for her. Women like that. She has also done the same for me.

5. The family comes first. Both of our outside intrests are second.

This works for us. The main thing is TRUST.

Drive well.